In a Second...

I'm going through drawers and cupboards this afternoon. Along the way I found a few neglected notebooks. Inside they contained list upon list from months and years past. Innocently flipping through one of them I found a list from when Daniel was deployed, and in a second I was right back in that moment. The loneliness, the clenching of my heart, the sadness, all those deployment feelings, they all washed over me the instant I read my words. It has been an hour since my eyes saw the list, yet a shadow of those feelings is still hanging around my heart.

How is that possible? It's been two years.

As I moved on to another notebook, I had to laugh. This one was filled to the brim with lists, to do's and to buy, menus, phone numbers, quick reminder notes; all the stuff of every day life. The list that made me laugh was from a day when I must have been frustrated with myself. There were a lot of exclamation points after most of the day's jobs, the one that brought a giggle read:

"Wash a dang wall!"

I must have been trying to wash my walls for awhile and finally got fed up. But, unfortunately, it wasn't crossed off which means it most likely never got done. I know this because I am one of those people who lives to cross things off of my list. In fact I write stuff on my list I have already done - that wasn't originally included - just so I can cross it off.

I must say, I almost wanted to keep the notebooks. Just for posterity's sake. Someday it would be interesting to look back on years past and remember what life looked like.

But, because my heart is cold as ice when I'm moving.... into the trash they went.