Free as a breeze

Have you ever stopped for a moment and thought - How did I get to this place!?

I had this happen to me earlier today. I was standing in front of the mirror in the bathroom putting on my make-up when all the sudden I'm wondering what has happened to me. Wasn't I just 18 and free as a breeze?

I looked at myself. Hair is still the same color, but nearly everything else has changed. My abdomen is swelling with yet another new life; my eyes look tired and a bit wistful, looking back at me in the mirror. My face a little more mature, my arms stronger, my skin not quite as youthful. How did I get here? Am I even happy about being here? I realized that most of the time, yes, I am happy. And while I do understand my happiness is not the goal I should be seeking, it is nice to be happy.
But, in that moment I wished I could whisk myself away to a life that doesn't include children, and a husband, and a house, and neighbors, and all that goes along with my life today. I was wishing for peace, some quiet, time to not hear anyone's voice talking to me, eating when I feel like eating, not having to think about anyone but me. As in a lifestyle, not a vacation. You know, to be free as a breeze again.

Then I remembered how lonely I was at 18. I had plenty of friends, my family, a great job but I felt like there was a hole in my heart. Now, I realize that hole is filled. Filled from the sounds of my children singing songs while dancing on Eve's bed, and feeling my ever expanding belly pressing up against the sink, from knowing that a man driving a Ford f350 down the highway to Glens Falls is thinking about me, from dreaming about the next phase of life rapidly approaching our little family.

Life right now isn't all that easy; early motherhood is hard, and a young marriage is challenging. I have tons of questions, lots of fears, plenty of guilt, and not enough time. And while it doesn't make me any less tired, at least I can find rest in knowing God has His hand on my life and He has me right here, right now for a reason. He gave me this life that I am living because it is what is best for me. But, definitely not what is easiest. Free as a breeze would be the easiest, most unfulfilled life I could have, but I don't want it.