There are times I wish Daniel and I could just pack it all up and head home. But, I have to make myself let that wish go. We've chosen a different path for our life; one path I certainly didn't see myself taking. Growing up I never really gave any thought to moving from home. Yet at this point, the prospect of ever settling back into a life lived in that town is very slim. While I am happy in our deliberately chosen way, at times I deeply long for home and the comfort it affords me.
We were home-ish this weekend, staying with my grandparents who live about two hours from my hometown. I spent the early part of my life in those small towns around my grandparents house, and when combined with the time from the many visits we made, it is as familiar to me as my hometown. Huge amounts of memories washed over me as we drove the hills and roads that I lived my life around for twenty years. My heart ached as I remembered burying my twin brothers. I was just a tiny girl but I remember kneeling on the grass in the front yard looking at the tiny wooden boxes their remains rested in.
It was amazing to me what I could remember just from looking at a house, or driving past a certain road. There is so much of my life built into those little towns tucked in the hills of New York.
I wonder if my children will ever wish they had that type of life, the kind that is fully steeped in memories of a life lived in one place, rather than the nomadic type we are living in the military.
But here we are, promised to the Air Force for four more years with the intention of staying in as long as they will let us, because this life we are living is good with so much to offer. We have great, amazing benefits, our life will never be dull by any means, and we can take part in opportunities that we could never afford for our family should we not be a part of the Air Force.
Yet, even in knowing all this, my heart longs for the friends I have known for all of my life, the church I grew up in, a house where we can live out our days as a family, driving the roads I know like the back of my hand, having established relationships that I won't have to say good-bye to.
Will we ever wish that we had chosen a different way - the stable, live in one house forever way? The kind where we can have our kids grow up with their grandparents close by, and have friends we call Aunt and Uncle because our families are that close? Will we ever regret this life lived first for our country, second for our family?
How I wish I had all the answers sometimes.
We were home-ish this weekend, staying with my grandparents who live about two hours from my hometown. I spent the early part of my life in those small towns around my grandparents house, and when combined with the time from the many visits we made, it is as familiar to me as my hometown. Huge amounts of memories washed over me as we drove the hills and roads that I lived my life around for twenty years. My heart ached as I remembered burying my twin brothers. I was just a tiny girl but I remember kneeling on the grass in the front yard looking at the tiny wooden boxes their remains rested in.
It was amazing to me what I could remember just from looking at a house, or driving past a certain road. There is so much of my life built into those little towns tucked in the hills of New York.
I wonder if my children will ever wish they had that type of life, the kind that is fully steeped in memories of a life lived in one place, rather than the nomadic type we are living in the military.
But here we are, promised to the Air Force for four more years with the intention of staying in as long as they will let us, because this life we are living is good with so much to offer. We have great, amazing benefits, our life will never be dull by any means, and we can take part in opportunities that we could never afford for our family should we not be a part of the Air Force.
Yet, even in knowing all this, my heart longs for the friends I have known for all of my life, the church I grew up in, a house where we can live out our days as a family, driving the roads I know like the back of my hand, having established relationships that I won't have to say good-bye to.
Will we ever wish that we had chosen a different way - the stable, live in one house forever way? The kind where we can have our kids grow up with their grandparents close by, and have friends we call Aunt and Uncle because our families are that close? Will we ever regret this life lived first for our country, second for our family?
How I wish I had all the answers sometimes.
22 Comments:
All I can say is, I understand. Our plans are up in the air for after Mike finishs his degree. One of many ideas is to rejoin the Air Force or Coast Gaurd as an officer. I think about these same questions that you posed today all the time and we consider our options for the future.
I can understand your feelings of wanting to be able to "put down roots." I think that it is wonderful for your children to have to opportunity to see so much of the country and to experience the different cultures that our great country has to offer i.e the northeast, the midwest etc. All the different parts of our country has such different things to offer. Always remember that "home" is wherever you and your family are not the bricks and mortar of a house.
you articulate your thoughts so beautifully...you should write a book. :)
I can so relate to how you're feeling! This post made me tear up.
I struggle with these same questions often. My husband and I both grew up in small town New York (upstate) and my heart breaks a little bit every time we visit home. I miss my family (my Mom especially), my friends, my church...I wish we could buy a house our children could call home forever. I wonder how this will shape them: a new town every 2-4 years, new friends, new school....
I wrestle with all of this this, questioning if we're making the right choices.
But you're right Andrea, the Air Force provides so many wonderful, exciting opportunities! Our lives will never be typical. But I do feel we're contributing to something much larger than ourselves. I hope our children will grow to be proud of that.
And who knows, maybe you'll end up back home someday too. When Daniel retires you'll probably only be in your 40s. So much more life left to live! Who knows where the Lord might take you!
~Keri
first of all, that was a very beautifully written post.
second, one of my best friends grew up "everywhere" through the air force- she had amazing parents that fully embraced every opportunity that their chosen lifestyle afforded them- and i believe you two seem to be that kind of parents. she is one of the most lovely, interesting, well-rounded,confident, cultured and compassionate people i know, and it's clear her life experiences while growing up helped shape her into who she is.
third- i have LONGED for exactly what you described in your post my whole adult life- to PLANT ROOTS somewhere and grow old in a place i know well and alongside lifelong friends. (this is what jim and i both had growing up). after several moves and more possibly coming our way, i can tell you even if you had chosen a different life (my husband's an engineer, not military!) there's still a chance you may not have had the "planted" life. the Lord has moved us many times, and i've grown very grateful for it- though it's not what i would have chosen.
SO- all of that to say, amen to doing what you feel is the best path for your family! the only guarantee is that life is best when lived where you know you should be! thank you for all the personal sacrifices your family makes so your husband can serve as he does!
I feel that. I feel it all of the time. Our decision is not even for our country. We are choosing Chris' career becaue the benefits of the company we work for are wonderful. We are chosing to be shipped around the country at any given moment in time. It took me a long time to accept this. I grew up just like you did. Small town in PA. My whole family lives there. Parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins...the lot of them. I am THE ONLY one who is not there. I have a huge family too. I still struggle with those feelings from time to time, but it has gotten better. I will keep you in my prayers!
Beautifully written! I have a vague idea of what you are writing as I moved continuously when I was a child. That longing for roots can be so strong at times and yet the experience of new places, new people, new experiences can be so exciting as well. I think that no matter what path we are on, one will always wonder what the "other" way would be like. I guess the most important thing is to trust that the Lord has designed this path for a reason for your family and if it's the path he's chosen than it's the best path for you.
I'm feeling sooo emotional today and then I read your post! I am such a roots person--but I really have to have the right spot. I am very sentimental about my childhood home--even though its location has nothing to offer us in the way of jobs(hour away from closest town).
Please let one of those "nomad kids" encourage you. I have lived in 4 states, 2 countries, 14 houses, and I wouldn't trade it. Yes, I have had to say goodbye to a lot of friends. But I have tons of friends across the world, and with the advent of internet I've kept the important friends. If your home life is stable, your children will never know the difference. We were homeschooled, and this helped - as we weren't changing schools every year. You and Daniel seem like such on-top-of-it parents, I know you'll do the very best for your family that you are able. Even now, my parents still travel (gone about 5-6 months every year), but wherever they are is "home" when we're there. Eve, Judah, and Eliza will have memories peppered across the country, that's not a bad thing. :)
I feel the same things, almost daily. I miss "home" so bad, but the funny things I don't think we'll ever live in our hometown again. The military has also provided us with so many opportunities that we otherwise would have never had. All in all, we really enjoy it. But I do often find myself wishing we were at a base much closer to home.
I feel for you girl!
I totally understand Andrea, just remember that at least you can go see your hometown and go visit, me, I haven't been home in 10 years because it's across the ocean.
I miss my home, I miss my family and I think about them daily. I sometimes wish I could be back home again living close to all of them, but I also love being an Air Force Wife and we're staying in as long as we can, which isn't a lot since Curt retires in 3 and half years, but we hope to extend.
It's just a struggle at times....I love the military life, love the opportunities and the benefits and knowing that I'm in some small way contributing to the freedom of this country, but a part of me yearns to be home, in my neighborhood and driving through the familiar places.
I've just grown used to the fact that we will never be stationed near home, it's just not possible for us :)
Hugs,
Sandra
Great post! You said it so well. I miss home so much some times. Especially around Christmas. I grew up in NE Ohio. It is so hard to get into the Christmas spirit now living in SE Texas. Sorry, but temps in the 60' or 70's do not make me think winter you know?
I left right after high achool when I joined the Marine Corps. Sadly my husband moved around some so he doesnt have ties to a "home" like I do.
I love going home and being able to find everything. Those little shops and stores that you know have exactly what you want. Those little hole in the wall restaurants. The short cuts. The perfect place to see the Autumn leaves. The perfect hill for sledding.
OK, I am a bit homesick now. To make matter worse, last year my parents up and moved out of state! I seriously dont know when I will ever make it back.
But, I do love Texas and am trying really hard to make it my new home.
Alicia
One word, Amen
I can definitely say I agree big sis. I miss home too alot sometimes, most times actually. Then I think about how weird it would be for me to go back there to live and I just can't imagine it anymore. I think your kids will be ok with your lifestyle decision because its all they will know and it would be weird for them to have one place to call home. ya know, it's what they will know and it will be fun for them! We have a hard time understanding that because of the way we were raised but I have made friends who grew up all over and they loved it and can't imagine it any other way.
I agree witht the other people who commented as well, you do have a way with words! and pictures for that matter! It definitely is a joy to hear about your days and thoughts and things! I hope some day I can grow up to be like you;) ILY!
oh and one more thing! You should probably update your 'about you' section when you get a chance cuz it still says you have 2 kids and are expecting a third! I'm just sayin...haha;)
Hi Andrea, I can't say I understand because I've never had the feelings you are feeling. But I must say that you seem to know what you want - and where you need to be - by your hubby's side, all the way!
Sandy
This post made me cry. If only you knew the conversations we have been having here since J. got back home, you'd know why I'm sobbing. These sentiments exactly are pulling at our hearts and we have no idea as of yet what the Lord wants us to do. We still have ten long years ahead of us before we hit our twenty.
We really have been having this same conversation with these same words. The fact that you "get it" blesses my heart. I'm going to have to let J. read this.
Ok, so I just read all of the other comments and I feel better reading your readers thoughts (and your sweet brother!) as they are so encouraging. Your blog is such a blessing, Andrea.
You had to bury twin brothers? I'm not sure I ever knew about this. Can you tell us about it? If you're not comfortable with that, that's fine...I was just curious. :)
That is why we left the military. I wanted our kids to grow up here where we grew up. I wanted them to have roots in one spot. Although I look up to the military families..I totally understand what you all give up and pray for you guys everyday. You sacrifice so much and we admire that. Things will get better dear friend. I'll pray for you
I hear ya on this one. Every time I look at our two sons, I wonder if the cost is too high. I'm a little rootless due to a difficult family, but they have a great extended family through their daddy. I wish we could live near them.
However, I do hope they will look back on this whole experience and think it was mostly positive. Sometimes the hard stuff is what makes us better; I know I've found that to be true. I hope and pray that if we work hard to make our family strong and keep them connected to their other family, it will all turn out ok.
You just never know about stuff. We're only five years in, and after the next four, we have to decide if we're doing twenty or not, so I totally understand these feelings!
I can certainly understand your conflicting feelings...it is hard at times living this life.
For me since I was also a military "brat" I don't have a place I call "home" and when I'm asked that question "where are you from?" I never know what to say! I usually just say my dad was in the air force blah blah blah. Sometimes I wish we had lived in one place with family members nearby; especially at the holidays when it would be easier to all get together instead of the logistics of being all spread out.
But there are good things to come from living this life too. I think of all the different places I've lived and people I've been able to meet. Not to say it's always been easy moving, especially after my junior year of high school in Germany and going to my senior year in a high school I only attended that one year! But when I think about all I've been through I can't imagine only living in one town all my life LOL
Joe was also a military brat. When we had Kayla he has roughly 9 yrs left before retirement. You know what we both said? We thought it would be sad that he would retire before Kayla got her first ID (well she'll get one for his retirement, but it's not the same!) She won't experience that feeling of being 10 yrs old and going to get her first ID the way we did. We both agreed it was kind of sad that she wouldn't "grow up" in the military community as we had.
Sorry for rambling, guess I didn't make much sense LOL
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