**Thank you so much for really causing me think today. I appreciated that everyone voiced their own opinion, and in turn made me realize that I can't always take what people say at face value. And can we just say - GRACE!!! Have some grace. And like some of you said, but I think Mrs. Staff Sergeant said it best - I often say some unbelievably stupid stuff when I am nervous also. I am positive it was simply a bad choice of words, because she really seemed like a genuinely sweet woman who loves her children. Thanks for your thought provoking feedback!
We were chatting outside the mother and baby room during the church service. Talking babies, spacing, about the over-achieving air conditioner in the room. And then she said something that appalled me.
And perhaps I overreacted. I know you all will let me know if I did, you're good like that.
I asked her what number baby she was holding, I could tell it wasn't her first. First time mothers are easy to spot, if you ask me. And I know this because I remember myself at that point of life.
She answered me saying that the baby she was holding was her fourth. I exclaimed congratulations, and how great that was! How I love being around moms of more than three because I can glean wisdom AKA how do I survive?!
Then she said "Well, she was an accident."
My heart dropped. It was like she caused me physical pain by saying that.
She went on to say, in a back-peddling sort of way, that although she was an accident and unplanned, she was very much wanted.
I heard those words but my heart was still stuck on the accident part.
All three of Daniel and my children were "planned" so I have never been in her shoes, but God help me if I should ever call a future child of ours an accident.
Can you imagine the mark that will leave on that sweet little girl, to walk around her whole life hearing the words " she was an accident."
We continued chatting and acquainting ourselves with each other, and I found that I like her. She's really, really nice. But even still today, I'm having trouble with the accident part of our conversation.
Ring in - what would you have done in my situation. I'm all ears....
27 Comments:
Meh. My second was an accident. The best accident I ever had. :D
Just because it was unplanned doesn't mean she doesn't love the kid.
That sort of stuff doesn't bother me.
Yeah..I agree with Heather. My good friend growing up was an accident..her parents told her this as she realized she was much younger than her siblings..she never took offense to it as her parents told her that they were happy to have her now and it became a joking matter.
I have five and one was planned. The rest were God's doing. :) I think did the right thing. You never know the mom could have been having a hard time that day and it just popped out.
My heart always drops when I hear it said that way too...after all, I would LOVE an accident! =) It is always amazing to me that it can happen on accident...for so long I knew all too much about how to plan a pregnancy...if only it were that easy for us all!
Blah, sorry to go on and on...all that to say I agree with you!
I totally hear where you are coming from. I have been in similar situations and have responded with, "Well, isn't it interesting how God blesses us with things we don't know we need!"
I agree with you 100%
To be honest none of our children were actually planned but it was God's plan. I was Very excited for all 3 of them. Shannon was very unexpected. I always said she was not an accident. She was a surprise. Something we never knew we wanted until we got it & now can't imagine life without it=)
I don't like when people say that in the presence of their children, especially if they are of the age where they are comprehending what the parent is saying. If it is a baby and your talking as adults, I try not to let it irk me. I try to take it in the context of unplanned, not accidental. I'm sure she meant unplanned because she also said that she was very wanted. Try to think of it that way. ;-)
You know, we didn't plan any of our children(neither did we plan to NOT have them)...we left the "planning" to God, so in our eyes they're all accidents...but in God's eyes, they are EXACTLY where and when He wanted them to be.
I agree phrasing means a lot to a child, once they are old enough to understand. Maybe when you get to know her better you can tell her that.
We haven't had any surprises, but my sister has had 3 (out of four) and it does take a while to come to grips with the idea.
Well, I can understand your reaction. On the other hand, my oldest has been, in the past, referred to as an accident. I cannot remember the last time I referred to him that way, mainly because, quite frankly, he was planned in a non-preventative sort of way. We weren't preventing, we knew we weren't preventing, ergo, we must have been planning. LOL
Anyway, I wouldn't take it seriously. I DO cringe when I hear it. However, at the same time, I understand that this is the culture we live in. We can try to change the way people think about children, but I know that will be hard for a lot of people.
I think of it like women who think they need to talk bad about their husbands to fit in. One woman says something bad about their husband, then the next, the next and so on until all the women are talking bad about their husbands. It's the pervasive attitude that all men are bad.
The same goes for children. If they're not 'planned', they're accidents and that's not a good thing.
The verbiage needs to be taken out of our vocabulary. Until then, it might help to take this with a grain of salt.
Well, I wouldn't take offense if she seems like an otherwise genuinely loving mom, and it seems that she does. People don't always think about their wording, but if you grow to be friends with her, something of you will rub off on her, certain ways of speaking or acting, and maybe that'll be one of them. I can't say I've ever called any of my kids an accident. My first was unplanned, and I told her she was a surprise, and this newest one is, too. Surprises are much better than accidents. :-)
well let me tell you a this.My cousin Bryan was an accident,a beloved one at that,he is the fourth child for my aunt Pat and uncle Pat.
I would have cringed at the wording myself. I hope it just popped out without her realizing what she was saying. I cant count the number of times I've said something unbelievably stupid when I'm nervous or meeting new people- and then I'm always mortified at myself later on!
Both of our boys were planned but this latest pregnancy was a surprise. And that's the way we've described it to a few people so far. Even so, I don't think we'd even say that much in front of any of our kids. To say a child was an "accident" especially makes it sound like he/she wasn't wanted and STILL isn't truly wanted. What a sad thing for a kid to grow up hearing :(
I HATE that term.
Mine were all planned, but my husband's brother, back in the day, was not.
We like to refer to him as a "surprise".
It sounds like a happy thing, not a negative one :)
It doesn't really bother me, and I don't think it really bothers most kids either, they know they are loved, and most are told they were an accident but its a good thing. Maybe next time someone refers to their kids as an accident, you can just casually and jokingly say something like, oh, so this baby was a wonderful "SURPRISE".
It is ok to admit to your kids that all of your actions were not planned ones. As long as you follow that with a lot of love. In some ways it is better. Kids believe their parents can do no wrong, knowing their parents are not perfect makes their not being perfect easier.
Bad wording choice, but her heart is what matters.
Our fifth and final baby was a surprise. I was thrilled because I always thought it was neat when I heard that other women just woke up one day and found they were pregnant without even trying. We had to work hard for our other babies.
I don't use the word accident either because I always thought a child would grow up feeling unloved and unwanted.
The funny thing about our surprise baby is that she was born on April 1st!
I was bummed when we didn't have any more babies planned or otherwise. I always wanted seven. Crazy, huh?
Well, if you look up accident in the dictionary - the second meaning is 'An unforeseen incident' and the definition of surprise is 'something that surprises someone; a completely unexpected occurrence, appearance, or statement'
To me - they are the same. Accident doesn't mean bad, and surprise doesn't mean good. You can be surprised in a bad way.
I wouldn't worry too much, my kids weren't all planned, but they know they're loved.
However, I won't let them know that they weren't planned, either :D
Yeah, I'm not real thrilled with comments like "accident" and "oopsie" either. But...I know personally, I've opened my mouth and inserted my size 9 1/2 foot not meaning to say things the way they came out sounding. I'd let it go for now.
My sisters and brother were between 9 and 16 when my mom found out she was expecting me. My mom tells me she sat in the doctor's office and cried for 45 minutes. It doesn't matter to me as I know I'm pretty much her favorite! :)
Incidentally...none of my children have been planned! heehee!
I understand what people mean when they refer to an unplanned pregnancy that way, but I also believe that words are powerful and can follow a child their entire lives.
I worked as a counselor in a juvenile program for over 10 years and let me tell you that the children I worked with often carried the wounds of their parents words with them for years.
I wouldn't necessarily be offended by the comment but I would be thinking a lot about how their perspective could impact their child.
Just my two cents. Interesting thought, though.
I have two "surprises". Granted, they were accidents, yes, but I wouldn't call them that. I've been pretty abrupt with my wording at times, but they were God-timed.
"Accident" would have irked me. My mother planned two, and as she says, "God planned two". The one I think makes me laugh is my baby cousin, who is 7 or 8 years younger than the youngest of the other 6. She's called the "afterthought". Haha.
I'd love to plan a child - and I say that a lot. But, that's not how my life turned out. I can only assume she's a blunt person, or she was nervous.
It's really nice to see though what you really think of your own three - to see how much you cherish them - just seeing your reaction to that comment reveals a lot about you.
Just heard the same comment from a lady at church 2 weeks ago. She said accident..but whispered it. I smiled. I told her mine were not accidents. They were planned. But if I were to get pregnant not planned I told her smiling...it would be a blessing. I would be in shock...but a true blessing. She smiled back and corrected herself...probably thinking I was rude...but that child is one of God's and I wanted her to remember that. Accidents are spills in the floor not a beautiful child.
What an awkward situation, Andrea! I am hoping that she was simply nervous, but that wording makes me shudder. Hubby and I have felt led by the Lord to leave family planning in His Hands.We are simply trying to obey what He has asked us to do. When people ask if my family is planned or not, I let them know that breastfeeding often prevents me from being able to conceive. In God's perfect time, He opens my womb. I think of it as a Divinely Planned Family. ;) I try not to take any of these precious jewels for granted, as I never know if He may bless me again. Blessings,dear friend!
I have 6 boys. None of them cooperated with the timing of my plan! Number 6 was the hardest to deal with. I actually delayed taking my pg test to verify due to my fear of going through pregnancy again. (My last 5 are withing 6 years of each other. #5 had a birth defect requiring fetal surgery which was very hard physically and emotionally.) I too would have judged when I had 2 or 3 kids, but until you've found yourself exhaused and pregnant for 6 solid years, it's hard to imagine. I think it's best that we moms are honest with each other about our feelings about motherhood. I felt guilty about not being excited, but I knew I would adore him once he got here...and I do. He's going to be 4 this summer and he is an amazing, funny, smart boy! I can't imagine life without him. God knew what he was doing when he put #6 in my life.
I think the best thing you can do in a case like you mentioned, is be a friend to her:) Maybe she's just exhausted or maybe she's going through a rough time in her marriage. Maybe they are struggling with their finances.
Just some thoughts...
oh my heart aches when i hear these words, but like other have said take it with a grain of salt. if she has it seems like she loves the little one. maybe she was having a bad day.
Tarah
there is so much more i want to say i just don't know how to express it right now.
I don't think I would have done anything differently in that situation - it's not like you said anything negative to her.
I like the sound of the word "surprise" better than "accident" but I've not been in those shoes before, so who knows! :)
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