Musing from an imperfect military wife...

I am not a good military wife.

Oh, I love the patriotic part of Daniel's chosen line of work. I love and support the fact that he is completely devoted to his country. It's wonderful being able to travel to and live in different parts of our great country and even the world. I strive to fully appreciate the free housing, utilities, medical care, and moving services that we receive. What a huge blessing they are! Yet here I stand, struggling in my heart because of two things:

One, I feel like an outsider to a part of who Daniel is. There is the Airman part of Daniel that I absolutely can not penetrate. I see this part of him when there is an exercise or a recall or he is preparing for deployment; he gets this singular focus and nothing stands in the way of him executing what ever the order is. And this is a good trait for him to have; an excellent one in fact. He is the perfect Airman. The Air Force is better for having him. But, I feel so on the outside of that part of Daniel. And that bothers me.

And then there is the second thing that I struggle with. The travel; the being away from home and family whether it's deployment related or a TDY (shorter trip). There comes with this travel a loss of memories we could and should be making together and the father figure that is one of, though not by choice, drifting in and out unpredictably. It frustrates me to see the internal struggle that Daniel has. All he wants is to be home with his family; he is an excellent husband and father and he wants the opportunity to be present, fleshing out those parts of his life. Yet, work takes him away. Work that he loves and is proud of.
I was thinking this evening about how much I long for the time of life when Daniel will not be in the Air Force. I want to be able to take that deep sigh of relief and feel the weight fall off of my shoulders. I want to know that there will no longer be any surprise trips or an impending deployment staring me down. He and I will be together unless we choose to be apart.

Just so you know, I do understand that all of this could stem from the fact that my Dad came home every night at around the same time; there was no travel related to his job, he was very predictable. But having that knowledge doesn't ease the ache in my heart.

I know, I know. Shame on me for having these ungrateful thoughts. But, you would understand if you could be inside Daniel and my relationship. We are so very close. We are happiest just being with each other. If ever two people were meant to be together, it is Daniel and I. The best part of our recent vacation was the four days of car travel we had going from New York to North Carolina and back. Because we were sitting next to each other, holding hands, sharing memories and making new ones. And that is all I want or ask of my life. My husband by my side making, raising, and loving our children together; laying beside each other each night, dreaming about days to come, reminiscing about days gone by. I don't need lots of money, a grand house, a fancy car. In fact, I could care less. I just want to be with Daniel.

I comfort myself with the fact that this season of life is just that, a season. I will do my best to enjoy this transient lifestyle for all that it affords us. And at the same time, stave off the feelings of loss that haunt me.

And so you see, I am not a good military wife. I want all of the good and none of the bad. I buck this system, I rebel against the time my husband has to spend a world away, I feel loss at huge amounts of memories snatched away from me, and I ache for home. Yet, through all of this, I stand next to my husband with great pride as he defends freedom and the rights of all humanity.

There is such conflict in my heart.

I wish I could be the perfect military wife. But I simply am not.