Daniel and I were driving home from an outing today. It was one of "those" outings... You know, the kind where if we don't get the kids out of the house now, someone is going to lose it. Or more like everyone is going to lose it. So, off we went, to nowhere in particular. I was wishing if wasn't so stinkin' cold and we could head to the playground. But, it really is too cold for such fun things as that.
Anyways, on the way home from nowhere in particular, Daniel and I were talking about the future. Sometimes this kind of talk makes my stomach hurt. Today was no exception. It's because I hate not having a plan, I hate not knowing all that life is going to throw my way. How's a girl suppose to prepare for a future full of "hmmmm's" and "I don't know's," "maybe's" and "best case scenarios?" But, that is what it is.
Our issue today was my longing to just move back home. I asked Daniel if he would ever want to do that. His answer was yes, if that is what I wanted to. And I do. But, I don't. I'm really very wishy-washy on the whole subject. My heart says "YES!!!" but my mind says, "Woman, are you CRAZY?!" There is a whole wide world out there waiting to be explored; there are places to live where snow isn't an issue, where the cost of living isn't astronomical. But, my heart longs to see my kids go to the school I went to, to live next door to their best friends for all their growing up years. I miss my friends, our church, and the familiarity of the country roads I have driven over a million times. I wonder what it would be like to live here as an adult, raising my family, rather than living here as a kid and being raised.
The problem comes when I think about the absurdity of throwing away a great career in the Air Force for my heart's longings. It's silly, really. And when I stop to think about it I mentally slap myself on the forehead and say "duh!" It's a no-brainer. Daniel needs to finish this journey he started at seventeen. We need the pension it will afford us. We really love the lifestyle. Not to mention, that for Daniel, he feels it is his patriotic duty to serve. It's just that knowing, and believing all those great things, doesn't erase the desire I have to just be home, for good. No more visits, no more long drives, or plane tickets. No more good-byes.
No one ever said life's decisions would be easy. I wasn't expecting them to be. It's just that I never really planned to miss home, because I never really planned on leaving. But, then again I never really planned on falling in love with Daniel. And look how great that has turned out.
Here's to the future..... With the years spent at home or far away
Anyways, on the way home from nowhere in particular, Daniel and I were talking about the future. Sometimes this kind of talk makes my stomach hurt. Today was no exception. It's because I hate not having a plan, I hate not knowing all that life is going to throw my way. How's a girl suppose to prepare for a future full of "hmmmm's" and "I don't know's," "maybe's" and "best case scenarios?" But, that is what it is.
Our issue today was my longing to just move back home. I asked Daniel if he would ever want to do that. His answer was yes, if that is what I wanted to. And I do. But, I don't. I'm really very wishy-washy on the whole subject. My heart says "YES!!!" but my mind says, "Woman, are you CRAZY?!" There is a whole wide world out there waiting to be explored; there are places to live where snow isn't an issue, where the cost of living isn't astronomical. But, my heart longs to see my kids go to the school I went to, to live next door to their best friends for all their growing up years. I miss my friends, our church, and the familiarity of the country roads I have driven over a million times. I wonder what it would be like to live here as an adult, raising my family, rather than living here as a kid and being raised.
The problem comes when I think about the absurdity of throwing away a great career in the Air Force for my heart's longings. It's silly, really. And when I stop to think about it I mentally slap myself on the forehead and say "duh!" It's a no-brainer. Daniel needs to finish this journey he started at seventeen. We need the pension it will afford us. We really love the lifestyle. Not to mention, that for Daniel, he feels it is his patriotic duty to serve. It's just that knowing, and believing all those great things, doesn't erase the desire I have to just be home, for good. No more visits, no more long drives, or plane tickets. No more good-byes.
No one ever said life's decisions would be easy. I wasn't expecting them to be. It's just that I never really planned to miss home, because I never really planned on leaving. But, then again I never really planned on falling in love with Daniel. And look how great that has turned out.
Here's to the future..... With the years spent at home or far away
13 Comments:
Isn't it great that God knows the plan? And yes, look how good they are!!
Sounds like your trip ended no where in paticular, but your heart did indeed end up some place specific...home.
Andrea, I feel the same way, only "home" is no longer NY because most of my family is no longer there....but my heart says NY will be home. Sometimes I want to pack up and move, but then I'm reminded that my memories are simply that...in the past. I pray that God would give you a peace about whatever you guys decide!!
No matter where you end up you will have Daniel and the babies. That is what you would want no matter what...your family and to be together. You make like yours. I get what your saying. God has great plans for you dear friend.
isn't it great that "home" is wherever the people you love are? good point about wondering what it would be like to be a "grown up" in the place you grew up- it's strange! the thing your kids will be nostalgic for when they grow up will be all the things that make your family who you are- instead of a place, it's all the things that make up "home" and "family" to all of you. i know they'll have some great memories!
i understand what it's like to miss family, but i also understand the "calling" that we each have on our lives that sometimes leads us in different directions than we'd ever imagined.
please give daniel a big hug and a heartfelt thanks for what he does. none of us would be where we are without guys and gals just like him.
I know exactly what you mean about the uncertainty of the future and wanting to have a plan. I also long to be home. I have been really focusing on making the most of where I am. I actually have found great inspiration from you. Keep following where you both feel is best and it will lead you where you are supposed to be!
I know exactly what you mean about the uncertainty of the future and wanting to have a plan. I also long to be home. I have been really focusing on making the most of where I am. I actually have found great inspiration from you. Keep following where you both feel is best and it will lead you where you are supposed to be!
I know what you mean. I miss home (don't tell my parents - ha!) but we're stuck here in a state I never thought we'd live in. Kevin has a good job, I have a good job, so until God shows us a new plan this is where we will be.
I'll pray that you find peace with your decision to move home, or move away!!
Andrea.........
Shame on you!
I say that with all the love of a gentle reprimand.
You are so very lucky. You have a man who adores you and a man you adore. You have three gorgeous children and a future that many that grew up in your town will never have.
I am sure that, like may little girls, you dreamed of seeing something other than your town. You've done that. Has it been the romantic overseas dreams of your childhood? Maybe not.
But, your husband is military and home with you every night. How many military wives can say that today? How many have been able to say that through the years?
I feel your homesickness. I feel it so often. But... you have to look at your life as a whole. You are so blessed.
If you need reassurance, take a good hard look at your HS yearbook. How many of the people don't have what you have. How many never got past HS itself? How many have found love, how many have a secure future, how many can guarantee their children will have a secure future? How many fell into drugs or alcoholism? How many aren't alive anymore?
We are creatures who doubt and fear. But the opposite of fear is faith.
You have so much faith. In God, yourself, your marriage, and your children. Draw from that.
Don't let the mundane and the "what if's" get in the way.
I just met you recently, and you inspire me. SO THERE!
You know, I feel the same way about Eric's journey with the Army. I want him to finish what he started. I want him to feel satisfied with his job, and he does. I want him to know that what he's doing is important, and he does. At the same time, though, I want to be with my family. I want to live where I can go over and see them whenever I want. Right now we do, and I'm so thankful for that, especially with the events that we have went through in our lives the past couple months. I guess concessions have to be made though. We can't have our cake and eat it too. As long as we're happy with the one's we love, what more can we ask for?
This is a scripture one of Katie's dear friends gave her when they were searching for a home but couldn't figure out where they were suppose to be. I think it might be something that gives you comfort.
"From one man He made every nation of men, that they should inhabit the whole earth and He determined the times set for them and the exact places where they should live. God did this so that men would seek Him and perhaps reach out for Him and find Him though He is not far from each one of us."
Act 17:26-27
Oh, Andie - I feel the exact same way. I am happy out here, and I'm glad my husband is doing a job he loves and that so many doors are opening for him, but there's part of me that grieves over the fact that Juli doesn't get time with her grandparents and aunts & uncles. That would love to go back to a church where I know almost everyone. That misses a town with memories all over the place.
Over the last few months we made a concerted effort to move back with the police thing. I have definitely been edging Jordan that way for awhile! Especially when it looked like it was going to happen I got a chance to look at the possibility with different eyes. I guess when something is not possible, I tend to look at it through rose-colored glasses. When we were looking at it as a reality, I started thinking a little more about the enormous amounts of snow and cold, having Jordan do a dangerous job that we weren't even sure he'd like, and the things I would miss here. Even though we were disappointed that things didn't work out, I am grateful that I got the opportunity to look at moving back from a different angle. As much as I'd like to move back someday, I am more content where I am now that I'm being a little more realistic about what it would look like :)
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