Not Quite Big Enough

But someday he will be. Someday Judah won't need me to pick him up so he can peer into the frying pan to see the pancakes. I won't hear " I'onna see, Mama! I'onna see!" I'll hear his voice, deep like his father's, and realize that all the times I muttered "that boy needs to hit puberty" after yet another high pitched scream left his lips, has come true. And boy, I am going to miss my little man.

Judah is my snuggler. He needs touch like he needs air. Eve.... she couldn't care less about hugs and kisses - though she gets a lot of them anyways. She needs time, time, time. And words. She needs to hear "great job, baby!" and how much we love her and think she is incredible. I can almost see her start to glow when we do these things for her.
Judah is the one who will slam himself into my leg in search of a hug, he isn't okay with just a peck on his cheek - he needs "Some suuu-gar, mama. Right here." and he pokes his cheeks on both sides. He wants to hold hands while we walk up the stairs. He needs to be held and snuggled. Judah needs to be right there with you.

Saturday night I went in to check on him before I went to sleep. He was all askew. His pillow was in the middle of his bed, his sheepskin on top of him, his body half off his bed. I picked him up to adjust him and his sleeping paraphernalia and as I did, his body draped itself over mine. I realized I couldn't just lay him back down. Instead I carried him into my bedroom and laid his sleeping body between Daniel and I. Oh, it was wonderful. There aren't many times of the day when Judah is still so to feel his warm, soft hands and to hear his quiet breathing, it did my heart good.

I heard a great piece of wisdom a few years ago, though I can't, for the life of me, remember where. The tiny sentence has a far reach - it was: Hug your children until they let go.
I have done that ever since - not perfectly, sometimes I give "drive-by hugs" but for the most part I make a pointed effort to hold onto my kids until they break the embrace. And you know what? It's usually a much longer hug than you'd anticipate. Their little ( or perhaps big ) bodies crave touch. And I don't want to miss those moments.

So, as much as Judah longs to be big, and I long to not hear him screech - I sure will miss the sweetness of his little body enveloped into mine. I'll miss watching him drag his sheepskin around while he sucks his thumb. And hearing his husky little voice say "I love you so much, mama." Oh how I will miss that little voice. But mostly I'll miss how my kisses were always enough to make his owies feel so much better.

I realized, last night, that "not quite big enough" is just fine by me.

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